Conflicts in the family: psychological causes and ways to resolve them. Family conflicts What is a conflict in the family

Sometimes the stories of couples who are on the verge of divorce begin with proud words - "we lived in perfect harmony for two years and never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly ...". Those who alone are tormented by doubts about the future also touch on this topic: “we have continuous family conflicts maybe the only way out is to leave.”

And there are completely radical options: as soon as a semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the couple is ready to immediately slam the door and leave. Sometimes, forever. Without trying conflict resolution in relationship. Because in the minds of many, quarrels are something that should not be in family life, otherwise it cannot be considered either “successful”, or “successful”, and even “normal” cannot be considered. The lubok picture of molasses constantly pouring out from both sides, it turns out, is terribly tenacious. And alas, very destructive.

There is also another extreme. When people don’t even ask themselves the question “how to build a dialogue?”. When they resigned themselves to the fact that they swear. Such couples are already tired of pretending to be a happy family, and now they, of their own choice, occupy the niche "we have everything like everyone else." This means that quarrels become something like the weather - they spoil the mood, but they do not significantly affect anything, they do not lead anywhere and do not change anything.

So what is considered "normal"? many people ask me. The truth, if it is possible at all in this case, as always, is somewhere in the middle between the extremes. But before parsing and typical errors in showdown Let's take a closer look at these extremes to find the middle ground.

The illusion of a conflict-free relationship comes from the illusion of eternal love. That state of euphoria, which covers people in the presence of a strong sexual attraction to each other, gives rise to the idea that "this should be forever." In fact, any love has an expiration date, the reasons for this, in particular, can be read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.

Now something else is important to us. The first signals that “eternal love” is just an illusion happen at the beginning of a relationship. But the beginnings of conflicts, as a rule, are usually ignored. “Just think, a trifle, it happens to everyone.”

An unresolved trifle over time tends to develop into a major problem. As a rule, it is noticed just when falling in love slows down. And standing up to his full height family conflict perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one is in a hurry to understand it, the emphasis shifts to something else - “how is it, are we really quarreling with my loved one?”

By default, it was assumed that a loved one must necessarily understand, and better, also approve, and in some cases even admire the desires and decisions of a partner. When this does not happen, enthusiasm is replaced by despair. At the same time, most men and women often tend to think that their decision is reasonable and correct, but the partner’s disagreement is something “wrong”.

We will talk about what approaches to conflict resolution exist later, but something else is important here - the focus is not on determining the causes of the conflict, but on the very fact that is declared abnormal (and both spouses most often agree with this). And then, as a rule, one concedes. Suppressing their desires, and nothing plainly discussed.

The second is affirmed in its "correctness" and then demands even more. The first either bends further or rises, and most often conflict resolution he is no longer interested, he is only interested in the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already stepped on his throat more than once, but now he has the right to respond in kind and make his partner bend.

It is easy to guess that this position only leads to a tug of war and the establishment of a man and a woman as rivals, but not partners. And then there are only 2 options. The first is that people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, after a while lose all ties with each other, get tired of fighting in their own home and disperse in the hope of finding warmth and support somewhere else. And often still repeat the same scenario.

In the second option, the first extreme turns into the second, and the remaining strong ties serve as the prerequisites for this reversal: children, everyday life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases, established and regular sex remains such a “bridge”.

In addition to these facts, the situation is also held by various feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that “I can’t cope with life alone and won’t find a new partner”, principles - “we never got divorced in our family” or “I loved her / him / but, you have to be true to yourself”, pessimistic beliefs “it won’t be better anyway, they are all the same”. At the same time, the tug-of-war in such a family occurs with varying degrees of success: sometime the husband “wins”, sometime the wife.

Everyone understands that in order to maintain a relative balance, it is necessary to “give in” periodically, and everyone builds a hierarchy of values ​​within himself – where it’s completely impossible to give in, and where “okay, let him do it his own way, I’ll survive.” And they are experiencing. How to survive strong wind, rain, snow and hail.

Not learning how to put effort into conflict resolution in a family, such couples repeat the plots of these quarrels over and over again, from year to year, and at the same time, no one wants to delve into the experiences of a partner or change their behavior. What for? After all, you can "survive", although it is unpleasant.

In fact, it is quite realistic to live to a state where the number of conflicts will decrease, and there will be more and more moments of understanding and acceptance. But for this to be aware of why conflicts arise, and be able to resolve them constructively for both parties. And this is a whole science, which I propose to start mastering.

In this article, I would like to consider main causes of family conflicts, different approaches to their resolution, and give practical examples on how to build a dialogue in the family.

"We quarrel over trifles"

In fact, there are no empty spaces. Many often confuse the cause and cause of the conflict.

The reason really can be any “trifle” - he did not call from work, which is delayed, although he did not have to lie and hide in his thoughts. Or she did not prepare dinner for his arrival, although she promised. He is unhappy that she "as luck would have it" put on his unloved dress for a corporate party. She resents the fact that he swore many times to fix the faucet, and did not. You can go on for a long time.

Anyone can say: “Well, nothing happened! No one betrayed, did not change, did not leave, did not frame .... " Yes, yes. But let's look not at the reason, but at the reason.

What's behind that "frivolous" call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is a confirmation of her importance, confirmation that he does not give a damn about her feelings, that he knows that she will worry. This moment of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And let it continue to be a trifle for him - but with his call, he could show that he cares about what she considers important.

The problem of “trifles” is that, firstly, the majority measures everything by itself and completely forgets that the other person is different. It's not you. It is HE/SHE, not you. He/she can always find other priorities, another arrangement of accents, other needs.

And most often - it is in the so-called "little things" that the other stubbornly does not want to pay attention to, because for him this is a "trifle"! But behind every trifle is often something much more global. And not always the partner can immediately explain this.

Leading questions can help in determining the causes of the conflict: “why is it important for you that I make sure to call? Do you have any specific fears? Why is this important to you?" Your task is to be attentive to your partner and help you understand your motives, and not push him away because something is not clear to you.

If you are the “offended” side, try to understand the cause of the conflict and convey it to your partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions - “What does this call mean to me? Why is this important to me? What do I want to get from a partner through this call? The answers will be the cause.

You, most likely, do not have enough attention, a sense of significance, care. Or perhaps you are experiencing excessive anxiety for your partner. And this is also worth talking about. In reality, it often happens otherwise:

- You didn't call me! I sat all evening waiting, nervous, where are you, your phone did not answer, you never know what could happen?

— Why are you so excited? I was at work, nearby - the authorities, well, I could not answer!

- Well, you knew that there would be a meeting, was it really impossible to call before that?

“I didn’t think it would take so long, that’s why I didn’t call!” Do not report to me for every half an hour?

Further, as a rule, the woman begins to prove to the man that it was wrong not to call, and this is a bad deed on his part. He resists being imposed on him feelings of shame and guilt(after all, he really did not intend anything bad), and begins to get angry at the fact that he is forced to make excuses. As a result, a man often goes on the offensive:

- Why are you constantly nervous! I'm not a small child, stop controlling me!

“Ah, I control you??? And you….

(options are possible: - And you are a small child, if you are not reminded a hundred times, then ....)

However, with such a formulation of the question, it is almost impossible to apologize normally and sincerely. Because no mentally healthy person wants to voluntarily admit that he is neither "bad" nor "guilty" where he does not feel it. And this is normal - deep down, at the level of the subconscious, even with the strongest, we always retain that part of the psyche that protects the personality from total depreciation.

Most people already feel the burden of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, that we all expect understanding and acceptance of us as we are, and not kicks and pokes. And this is especially important in the context of “little things”, because if you have not fully explained the true reason for your dissatisfaction, your attempts to make the other person guilty will be all the more regarded as nit-picking and inappropriate generalizations.

The question arises, what would it look like? constructive dialogue. Here is an example with the same situation:

— I see you were late… Did something important happen? Are you all right?

First of all, it would be nice to ask - but really, did something significant happen to your spouse today? Perhaps he is having trouble at work and needs support?

And perhaps the conversation will turn so that the spouse will immediately tell about his experiences, and in itself it will become clear why he did not call, and there will be no point in being offended. But let's say nothing significant happened:

- Everything is in order, just at the end of the day the boss came and brought a new project, he said - urgently. We quickly discussed it and went home.

Let's have dinner, wash your hands.

By this, you have already translated the whole situation into a peaceful direction and showed attention to your spouse. This will bring positive results, believe me. But when you have already sat down to dinner quietly, you can talk about your experiences. And remember - it is better to speak immediately about the reason, and not about the occasion.

- I have a request for you. I understand that this one and a half hour is not such a terrible delay, and I don’t blame you. But, you know, your attention is very important to me in this form - could you continue to warn me that you are late?

Note that this is a question. Request. Not an accusation and not an attempt to force. Not presenting wrong or guilt. And it is quite possible to hear in response:

“Sorry, I didn’t think it would take so long, I’ll try to think about it in advance from now on.

If you have accumulated something for a long time, try to express in detail what led to such quarrels before, but in the same calm manner:

“You know, maybe I don’t have enough attention lately. And I start to get nervous literally because of any violation of the usual order. I would be calmer if you called more often, sometimes wrote SMS, and I would like us to spend more time together.

And then the conversation can touch on any reasons on which the conflict was actually based - lack of attention, affection, lack of enough time together, feeling unwanted by your husband and revealing to him the reasons why you feel that way. But all in the same manner - in the form of a story about experiences and in the form of putting forward some proposals.

If you need to express emotions, you can learn to do it in a safe manner while no one is around. Or, if you really feel the need to talk emotionally, then no one forbids, but you can even cry, talking about your experiences. Emotions are still not a reason to impose on a partner feelings of shame and guilt.

Think about why you have been building conversations in the form of accusations so far? Why do you need to prove to your partner that he is “bad”? What benefits will this bring to you personally? Your own "rightness" and "goodness"? However, the formation of self-doubt occurs in childhood, and it is unlikely that your partner had anything to do with this.

Perhaps you should first deal with your self-esteem and guilt before blaming your partner? And even more so, if you yourself need constant reinforcement of your “goodness” - do you really think that your partner does not need the same?

"I hate to beg!"

And, actually, why? I often hear this position in consultations: "because it's humiliating." And when I ask: “but how then is it not humiliating?”, in response I hear: “he / she must / understand for himself / herself”. Well wow request! It turns out that most people want to get telepaths into husbands / wives?

In fact, understanding "from a half-word" is possible in only two cases, the first - the final one - when this very "understanding" is a consequence of the fact that both are covered by hormonal euphoria, and therefore they want the same thing.

To coarsen it, then get into bed as soon as possible and stay there as long as possible with all the ensuing caresses, delights, and a feeling of complete unity

A particular consequence of this is the illusion of feeling that "we want the same thing in everything." In fact, at the moment of acute love, people want one thing - to linger as long as possible at this point of ultimate ecstasy. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal start for a relationship in some cases.

The moment of falling in love implies an acute enjoyment of similarity, and it is this state that pushes the majority to create families, have children, because there is a stable confidence - "we are made for each other."

But there is one catch - the feeling of total similarity and understanding "in everything" ends. And then you have to deal with the differences. But few people are ready for their appearance, and in particular, few people are ready for the disappearance of the illusion of "telepathy".

The second case of understanding “at a glance” is possible only after many years of living together, and such understanding must be learned. Once you are reading this material, you are ready to learn. And for this it is necessary to realize the importance of the request.

In fact, we begin to really get to know the chosen one precisely during this period - when passion passes and questions of life arrangement arise. How to allocate finances, how to lead a life, who should do what around the house, when to plan children, where to go on vacation and how to spend a common weekend. Prior to that, these questions were not raised - who, in moments of ecstasy, would plan household chores and calculate the salaries of both lovers?

But when the passion goes away, it's time to solve these issues. The ardor is not the same, there are a lot of reasonable arguments in my head. Everyone has their own.

And if it is important for you that your wife bake pies every weekend, don't think that she herself will guess. Perhaps she spoiled you with pastries a couple of times during a period of acute love. So what? It was just two days of inspiration. But now some part of your life is turning into a routine (and this is not a dirty word, it means that there is a repetition of some actions, they are brought to automatism, because you do not plan to change all this in the near future).

Baking pies once or twice is a pleasant feat. Baking them every weekend is already a routine. To which you need to get used to and realize that this is important for the husband, that this is what was imprinted in him as a manifestation of his wife's love. And how can she realize this if her husband does not deign to tell about it?

When I ask men why they didn’t ask, I often come across generalizations: “Well, everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart…. And then I always praised her cooking! Did she really not understand that this is important to me?

No, alas. Because everything was important - lace underwear, and a new film downloaded especially for joint viewing, and the music that she sent him by mail, and that tie that she gave on February 23rd, and pies, and a new towel of his favorite color. …. How to distinguish what was “pleasant, but not necessary” and what was “important, important”? After all, taking with you absolutely everything from the arsenal of love will not work.

You have to work, raise children, build a house, solve other everyday issues - you won’t be able to soar in the clouds all your life. It makes sense for both a man and a woman to build a system of priorities for themselves and their partner - what exactly you need to take with you, and what can be postponed for now. If you have not given a woman any guidelines, do not be surprised that instead of pies, she will wear lacy lingerie and films.

By asking, you fix your own priorities in the mind of your half. Their own "importance". In a sense, this can even be considered not a request, but an emphasis on attention. Moreover, it must be emphasized more than once or twice.

One of you, for example, was not accustomed in his parental family to the fact that if someone comes home, you have to go out and meet the person at the door. If during the period of your love, your half jumped out at the first turn of the key in the lock, then after two or three years you can no longer wait. And not because you were “out of love”, but because this extreme tension of emotions, characteristic of the period of falling in love, has gone.

And your partner needs a more relaxed form of existence, in which he plunges into his old behavioral patterns and habits that have taken root in him for years. And what has been fixed for so long needs the same gradual change.

In this change, the systematic requests of the partner play an essential role. If from time to time you calmly convey that it is important for you to be met at the door, sooner or later a new habit will form, already for your own family. But it will be formed only if you convey information calmly, and it is especially important to encourage success.

Once again, to say that you are pleased to see your wife meeting you in the hallway. And do not swear at the fact that specifically this time she did not leave the room. Both are well remembered - both claims with insults, and praise. And it will depend on you what your spouse will remember, and what conclusions will be drawn from this.

There is another point - mostly about men. I often notice that men are worse at taking hints than women. More precisely, they may understand, but they rarely trust such a subtle understanding. And, to make sure, they are waiting for a specific request. But she doesn’t do it, because the lady often expects her subtle hint to be understood. A man often waits to be told specifically.

And so a famous figure arises: he believes that she herself does not know what she wants, and she believes that he is an insensitive blockhead who does not care about her subtle feelings. In such cases, I propose to solve for myself one question, as from a well-known anecdote.

The lady called a taxi. It stands in the indicated place, the car drives up. The lady approaches the taxi driver:

- Are you a taxi?

— Yes, you ordered, right? says the driver.

— Me. Why isn't your car yellow? And "taxi" is written somehow illegible? And where are the skewers?

To which the taxi driver replies:

- Madam, do you want checkers or go?

What is more important to you - getting what you want? Or that he learned to understand hints, and at the same moment and from a half-word? I still think you can get what you want. And most often it is not a one-time action. And about what goes on from day to day. “It is important for me that you give me flowers at least once a month.” Or “I want you to hug me as often as possible.” "I'll be pleased if you open the car door for me." Yes, there are many other things - from pleasant little things to big things.

And you may have to repeat it more than once so that he remembers: if you are in a bad mood, flowers / dinner at a restaurant / a trip to nature / a small gift / household help / watching a movie together / spontaneous sex / continue yourself can cheer him up.

I was often told “well, what can be spontaneous sex at the request? And how can the flowers that I myself asked for please? If, in principle, you are happy with sex with your husband and the flowers he has chosen, then the process will lose only part of the charm. And then at first. On the other hand, if the husband sees several times that "it works" - then there will be no need to guess, he will know and feel your shades of mood. For one reason:

if you regularly give him feedback, in what states and what you need, then over time he will do without reminders. After all, he has already built a causal relationship within himself. And then you can enjoy the offers of what is important to you at this particular moment for many decades. Because your husband already knows you well.

“No, let her…. No, let him!"

Let's say you had an argument that wasn't constructive at all. When a conflict arose, they shouted, even a plate was broken. They called each other names and blamed each other. Well, it happens, no one is immune from this. But what's next? Then somehow you need to get out of the conflict and start a normal life.

Very often, each of the partners is waiting for the first step from the other. And this is dictated by this: “if he is the first to make peace, then he has admitted his guilt.” The second thinks exactly the same, and since everyone considers himself right, no one is in a hurry to take the first step.

And since no one wants to be considered guilty, and confessed to this, the conflict simply hinders, “goes down on the brakes.” Anyone who has experience in relationships, and especially living together, knows how it's done.

There was a question with money / a neighbor called about a general repair / we need to decide what we will have dinner / the child asks something from both / continue on your own. As a rule, this is a household pretext. On the basis of which you can begin to communicate again, as if taking the conflict out of the brackets. No one admitted they were wrong, no one took the first step. And everything seemed to be forgotten.

And here it is not. The tension in the relationship somehow remained. And you need to look at your partner for a long time, slowly, in order to understand whether he is still angry or not. And adjust your behavior accordingly.

In addition to various fantasies about the partner’s thoughts, which may not correspond to reality at all (and we will talk about this later separately), there is another significant “but” in this position. The problem hasn't been resolved. Which means this family conflict may repeat itself more than once or twice.

There is one more "but" - this is "admission of guilt". After all, there is no such thing as guilt. There are simply 2 positions, 2 sets of reasons why each of the partners had such an opinion or acted in some way. But there is no "generally recognized normal" strategy of behavior in the family.

During consultations, I always say one phrase that seems to me essential in the matter. family conflict resolution: “There are no norms of family life. You can do whatever you want within the UK - this is the only common place for everyone. As for the rest, there is no unequivocal correctness, no norms and rules that are the same for everyone. The question of relationships is only a question of your agreement with your partner.

Therefore, it makes no sense to speak to him in the language of "every normal person knows that ..." Firstly, this is a direct insult. After all, if it turns out that your partner does not know or has a different point of view, it turns out that you declare him abnormal. And here it is hardly possible constructive dialogue.

Secondly, relationships are created by two people. And even if there were a certain “list of defaults” that would be applicable to all families, then it would have to be announced even before marriage, at least in order to verify the parameters. And then you never know someone has a failure in the system?

But after all, everyone goes into a relationship with their own "defaults", which sometimes differ significantly from those of a partner. All these "silences" are born not at all from the fact that there are some norms common to all in the family. And from the fact that each of the partners instilled their own norms in the parental family. And each, to the best of his ability, supplemented this with his observations and conclusions.

But to discuss all this, entering into a serious relationship, no one worked. Indeed, at the stage of falling in love, it seemed that the defaults were the same. Although the only thing that was the same was the attraction, which gave the illusion of a complete similarity of beliefs.

If the norms were really common, then they would be equally diligently laid down in the heads of both partners by the same parents.

However, we are constantly confronted with sometimes diametrically opposed beliefs. And this means that each of the partners takes out very different experiences from their childhood and youth. Which, depending on the personality of the person, is also interpreted in different ways.

And now think - where is the desired "absolute correctness" here? Even if a partner intentionally hurt you, this can only mean that manipulations and educational games were adopted in his family, which were aimed at constantly provoking a person feelings of shame and guilt, and your partner suffered from this in the first place. And then he learned to “bite” in the same way, and now he successfully transmits this behavior model to your family.

However, manipulation is a common thing in many families, and it is easy to assume that not only your partner, but you yourself are good at techniques. Otherwise, you would hardly wait for the first step from your partner, it would be more important for you conflict resolution, and not "so that he suffers harder."

There is only one way to deal with this - someone has to start to show the cards. Who doesn't matter. Who will be the first to think about constructive dialogue in relationship. Who at the moment will be more prepared psychologically. Who will be more enlightened.

And this does not mean that someone is “better”. This means that someone is ready to take the first step and tell that a relationship built on guilt, manipulation, intimidation and educational games does not suit him. And in order to adequately convey this, you need to invite a partner to the conversation.

In one movie, I caught a glimpse of such an episode. The couple talked about their relationship. “Every time we quarrel, no matter how hard it was, no matter how offended one of us was, we always gathered after 3 hours in the living room and sat down at the negotiating table.”

Get this rule. Let it be your place and your hours - an hour, two or a day later, wherever you want. It's important that both of you get into the habit of going there, no matter how bad the fight is, and talking about what happened. No accusations. Without attempts to assert themselves at the expense of a partner. Are you creating your own family, and not on the battlefield?

There is no right or wrong, and in any, even the most painful situation, never forget to ask about your partner's feelings and try to understand them. After all, he did something for a reason, even if formally he was the instigator of the quarrel.

And when you understand his reasons, you can safely convey your own. Keeping in mind what the throughline is about in this article, the best way to make your feelings clear to your partner is to talk about them. Don't blame someone else. Talk about yourself, your feelings. And not about "how bad he is." The difference in perception is huge.

In psychology, there is even a name for these strategies: “I-approach” and “you-approach”. As you may have guessed, the first is to talk about your feelings and the freedom for your partner to draw conclusions. "It hurts me when I don't hear from you during the day." And “you don’t give a damn about my feelings, you won’t get a call or an SMS from you in a day!”

In the first there is only a temporary combination - "when". And this allows the partner to draw his own conclusions. In the second - a directive indication of "wrong" and a negative assessment. And this always makes you either make excuses (and feel guilty, and then start to quietly hate your partner for it), or go on the offensive (and offensive defense rarely involves warm feelings).

“I think he thinks that I think he thinks….”

Real contact without illusions and lies is possible only between the real and openly expressed feelings of partners, as they are now. It is impossible to contact the assumptions created in one's own head. That is, you can, but it will be contact with yourself, and not with a partner.

I always invite people to imagine this picture (and sometimes even draw it):

Already from what is drawn, you can see that in addition to the two real participants in the contact, virtual (that is, not really existing) participants also wedged in there. Let's get to know them briefly:

self image

Everyone has. Of course, we cannot do without an image of ourselves as a whole, without knowledge of our real abilities and talents, character traits and capabilities, features of perception and external data. We have some idea about all this. But how close to reality it is depends on the person. As practice shows - more often far than close.

Building psychological defenses by modifying the image of oneself is not the topic of this material. For starters, it’s enough just to think about the fact that your idea of ​​yourself can only partially correspond to reality. And to be born rather from the desired than from the actual.

This embellishment of reality often follows from a basic underestimation of oneself, and therefore performs a compensatory function. Self-underestimation, in turn, comes from parental assessments and limitations that most of us absorb as children. Moreover, there are practically no unambiguous images.

For example, one child was taught throughout childhood that being a child means being an “unfinished” person, irresponsible and ignorant of life, and therefore not taken seriously. Being an adult, therefore, was good and honorable.

As a result, a person will have a semi-conscious fear all his life, “what if I’m still not old enough?” And build such an image of yourself - an adult and responsible. And if such a person is told (not meaning anything bad) “you are like a child!” - then this person will be offended. Meanwhile, in the head of the interlocutor, this “like a child” had a completely approving and positive connotation.

And vice versa, if the child was not taught that being a child is bad, then even if the phrase “you are like a child” is said to him with a clearly negative connotation, meaning “irresponsible”, he simply will not notice it. And not offended. Because in the circle of his personal meanings, "child" and "irresponsible" are not connected in any way.

If at showdown you rely too much on the image of yourself - this is precisely what prevents you from hearing your partner.

Let's say he says something that directly indicates your lack of responsibility towards your partner. If you perceive the situation “in its purest form”, this will mean that here and now, on this particular day, you behaved without thinking about your partner.

This happens. This does not characterize you as an irresponsible person in principle. It only says that you forgot something or did not foresee. And this may have offended your half, which you were told about. And this can be solved and found out now, after listening to the person, realizing what did not suit him, realizing that he really was unpleasant, and drawing conclusions.

But more often it is quite different. Sometimes, regardless of how discontent was presented, you may see in it an attempt on a bright image of a responsible and adult person. And then write wasted. This dispute does not have a constructive resolution, because no one was going to tell you that you are “basically irresponsible”.

It is you yourself who make such demands on yourself - to meet your own demand for total responsibility in everything and always.

Perhaps, if you constantly see an unfair accusation in your partner’s remarks, is it worth it, first of all, to think about what requirements you place on yourself?

Perhaps in your couple, only you yourself are so fixated on your impeccability, but the partner calmly admits that you may have flaws. Think: are you sorting things out with a partner or with yourself?

Image of a partner

Everyone has it too. Of course, we feel something for a partner for a reason - also because we saw in him something important for ourselves. And this has both pluses and minuses. Of course, it's great when something in a partner delights you. But it is impossible to measure everything else in a person by only one criterion: "how he / she treats me."

Not all actions of a partner are dictated solely by his attitude towards you. Some of them are just his actions, habits, needs, etc., which have nothing to do with you. And if a person has connected his life with you, this does not mean at all that now he will do everything and always in the light of your relationship.

Yes, of course, solving global and major issues alone while being married is somehow really not about marriage. But interpreting every act of a partner in the light of a relationship is also not always productive for marriage.

For example, your partner devotes a lot of time to sports. At the time of falling in love, the pace of work on oneself in the physical plane could be reduced. But as soon as your relationship has become stable, the intensity of passions has decreased, your partner again returns to himself, to his priorities.

And he can correct them as much as he wants, including based on the fact that he has a pair. The question is what do you want to see. Selfish? Selfish person? Or someone who takes care of himself and takes care of his health, including for the sake of your family?

Or maybe it's out of the family. It's just part of your partner, an integral part. You can only negotiate with her, accept the other as he is, and was before you, but you should not try to destroy in him what you do not fully understand. And it is not always worth interpreting this exclusively in the spirit of “if you are doing something for yourself, then you are taking this time from me and from us.”

Or another vivid example of how the image is created "in the course of action." Let's say your husband is late at work. And for various reasons (maybe your fears, maybe moments from his past life, which you know about, maybe, following the recent example of a girlfriend) you start thinking something like “what if he has a mistress there?”

This thought alone is enough to make reality seem to rush to you to prove that you are right. Although, the point, of course, will not be in reality, but in the fact that the majority tend to interpret everything that happens within the framework of their own ideas.

And here's the image of a partner - "the one who can go on a spree at work." In this case, reality may not coincide with your expectations at all. But if you start communicating with a partner from this position, implying that everything is exactly as you think, there is a risk of global misunderstanding. Because, under various pretexts, you begin to demand that you come home from work at the “supposed” time, and your husband may be sincerely perplexed about your attempts to limit him - after all, he is trying, for example, to earn more money just for you, for the family. But, forgetting to ask him about what is really behind his late arrivals, you begin to communicate with him as if he had already committed at least a couple of mortal sins.

So with whom do you communicate in reality - with your fantasies and fears, or with reality? Who happens to showdown– with a partner or the reality that you have created in your head? And who is responsible for this?

Image of yourself through the eyes of another

Of course, it is important to know what your partner thinks and feels about you. But there is only one way to do this - ask. And believe. And for this it is worth recalling once again what we have already said: the partner is different. And if you start looking for explanations for his actions before him, then most likely you will communicate with yourself, and not with a partner, because his causes and effects are most likely very different from yours, and therefore could not come to your mind.

Here is an example. Women often complain that men watch porn. Why this generally occurs to men more often - you can read in the article "Men on Porn Sites". Another thing is important - first, a woman in frustrated feelings makes a man understand that this is bad, and then demands to explain why he needs it.

But what kind of person would want to explain if he has already been told “how disgusting it is”? And even more so, if the woman herself came up with such an image of herself in which she is “no longer attractive to her husband”, has already managed to take offense at this, and now requires an explanation?

This formulation of the question contains a hidden requirement "prove to me that I am still attractive to you." But in most cases, it is just the way it is! And it is difficult for a person to prove what he himself did not doubt.

If you really want to find out why, you should start with this question. And not with speculation that "if he does this, then he does not need me." At least this way you have a chance to find out how things are in reality, and not get a portion of "sedative pills" in the vein of "yes, I don't know why and why, but I won't do it again."

Deadlock conflicts

There are a number of situations in which everything is not reduced to speculation, the inability to hear the interlocutor and competently convey their feelings. It happens that the partner is heard, his feelings are conveyed correctly, but the situation is not resolved.

I'll give you an example. Suppose a woman grew up in a family of neat people, and she herself got used to perfect cleanliness in the house. She is even ready to maintain order herself, if she is not interfered with. But often a man has a lower bar in relation to order, and he is not at all embarrassed by scattered socks or shirts just lying on the couch.

There are no right and wrong here, just as there is no norm. However, what if the requirements for the situation are different, and it is impossible to reduce everything to one “standard”?

The way to resolve conflicts of this kind can be represented as purely mathematical. Suppose the wife's requirements for order on some hypothetical scale are +30. And the husband - +10. There is a banal arithmetic mean +20. This will be the step on which both will take two equal steps - she is a little down, and he is a little up.

Most are offended: how is it, my requirement for the order is more “ideal”, more “correct”, why should I omit? The answer is simple - the same reason why it should rise. If the partners do not take a common step towards each other, then one will feel depressed.

It is clear that the step itself will not be just quantitative - one shirt can be left, and the other must be removed. More like a priority system. Let the one who has the highest order requirements try to choose a couple of the most painless things. Which you can survive without much damage to yourself - and here let go a little of your demands.

But what unnerves and irritates most of all - it is in this place that you can ask your husband to take a step forward. As a result, the demand for more order will be much more specific than “you should clean up after yourself more often,” for example, “please be sure to put the dishes in the sink and fill them with water. I can wash myself, but when the food has dried on the plate, it is much more difficult to wash it.”

Perhaps, over time, your husband will also be imbued with your love of order. But only if you go in small steps, and not upload the entire wish list to your partner. After all, what is feasible seems easy, but the ideal picture may seem overwhelming and generally discourage the partner from doing something in this direction.

The same question often arises with sex. At a certain stage, it may turn out that one needs more and more often, while for the other, on the contrary, the needs are reduced.

Very often this situation concerns couples of the same age, when both are already over 30 - the sexuality of a man falls, and a woman increases significantly for some time. And here the same arithmetic helps: if three times a week is enough for your wife, and one is enough for you, then two is your arithmetic average. Of which once you can take the initiative yourself, and the second time just follow the lead of your wife.

Many people say that “you don’t want to step over yourself if you don’t want to.” However, observing couples with similar family conflicts(and especially those who are otherwise relatively well-adjusted), I have come to the conclusion more than once: a man with average health and without pronounced sexological problems loses his psychological interest in sex in its former quantity rather than the very opportunity to engage in it.

What this is connected with is a topic for a separate article, but in this case something else is important: even where, it would seem, everything should be spontaneous and mutual, sometimes you need to internally tune in to your partner, give in.

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1. Introduction ……………………………………………………….....3

2. Main part…………………………………………………...4

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them ………………4

3. Practical part……………………………………………………..9

4.Conclusion………………………………………………………..10

5. References……………………………………………………………11

1. Introduction

Family conflicts are a hot topic in modern society, unfortunately. I would like, as a young family, to figure out what conflicts exist, what are the ways to resolve them, and how to prevent these family conflicts. After all, family is the most valuable thing in the world. This is mutual understanding and mutual respect for each other. And I don't want it all to fall apart.

2. Main body

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Any family in the course of its life is faced with problem situations, the resolution of which is carried out in conditions of inconsistency of individual needs, motives and interests. The conflict is defined as a clash of oppositely directed goals, interests, positions, opinions.

Family conflicts are divided into conflicts between spouses, parents and children, spouses and parents of each spouse, grandparents and grandchildren. The main role in family relations is played by marital conflicts. They often arise due to dissatisfaction with the needs of spouses. It is possible to single out the causes of marital conflicts: -psychosexual incompatibility of spouses; - dissatisfaction with the need for the significance of one's "I", disrespect for the sense of dignity on the part of the partner;

- dissatisfaction with the need for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention and understanding;

- addiction of one of the spouses to the excessive satisfaction of their

needs (alcohol, drugs, financial expenses only for themselves);

- dissatisfaction with the need for mutual assistance and mutual understanding in matters of housekeeping, raising children, in relation to parents, etc.;

- differences in leisure needs, hobbies.

In addition, there are factors that influence the conflict of marital

relations. These include periods of crisis in the development of the family.

The first year of married life is characterized by conflicts of adaptation to each other, when two "I" become one "We". Feelings are evolving.

The second crisis period is associated with the appearance of children:

Opportunities for professional growth of spouses are deteriorating.

They have fewer opportunities for free realization in personally attractive activities (hobbies, hobbies).

A wife's fatigue associated with caring for a child can lead to a temporary decrease in sexual activity.

Possible clashes of views of spouses and their parents on problems

raising a child

The third crisis period coincides with the average marital age, which is characterized by conflicts of monotony. As a result

repeated repetition of the same impressions, the spouses become saturated with each other.

The fourth period of conflict between spouses begins after 18-24 years of marriage. Its occurrence often coincides with the approach of the period of involution, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children.

External factors have a significant impact on the occurrence of marital conflicts: the deterioration of the financial situation of many families; excessive employment of one of the spouses (or both) at work; impossibility of normal employment of one of the spouses; prolonged absence of your home; the inability to arrange children in a child care institution, etc.

In modern society, on family conflicts and society itself, this is the growth of social alienation; decline in moral values, including traditional norms of sexual behavior; a change in the traditional position of women in the family (the opposite poles of this change are the complete economic independence of women and the housewife syndrome); the crisis state of the economy, finance, social sphere of the state.

The resolution of marital conflicts depends primarily on the ability of spouses to understand, forgive and yield. One of the conditions for ending the conflict of loving spouses is not to seek victory. Victory at the expense of the defeat of a loved one can hardly be called an achievement. It is important to respect the other, no matter what the fault may lie on him. You need to be able to honestly ask yourself (and most importantly, answer yourself honestly) what really worries you. It is better to come to an understanding yourself and not involve others in your conflicts - parents, children, friends, neighbors and

acquaintances. The well-being of the family depends only on the spouses themselves.

Separately, it is worth dwelling on such a radical method of resolving

marital conflicts like divorce. According to psychologists, it is preceded by a process consisting of three stages:

a) emotional divorce, expressed in alienation, indifference of spouses to each other, loss of trust and love;

b) physical divorce leading to separation;

c) legal divorce, requiring legal registration of the termination of marriage.

For many, divorce brings deliverance from hostility, hostility, deceit and that which has darkened life. Of course, it also has negative consequences. They are different for divorcees, children and society. The most vulnerable in a divorce is a woman who usually has children. She is more than

male subject to neuropsychiatric disorders. The negative effects of divorce on children are far greater than

consequences for spouses. A child loses one beloved parent, and in many cases mothers prevent fathers from seeing their children.

The child often experiences peer pressure due to the absence of one of his parents, which affects his neuropsychic state. Divorce leads to the fact that society receives an incomplete family, the number of adolescents with deviant behavior increases, and crime grows. This creates additional difficulties for society.

The family may also have conflicts between parents and children.

One of the most common problems in everyday life.

So why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

1. Type of intra-family relations. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. In a harmonious family, a moving balance is established, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations,

expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological tension in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features stand out

destructive types of education:

Disagreements between family members on issues of education;

Inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;

Guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;

Increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnation,

3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. The following age crises of children are distinguished:

Crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);

Crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);

Crisis b-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

The crisis of puberty (the transition from primary school to adolescence 12-14 years old);

Teenage crisis 15-17 years.

4. Personal factor. Environment of personal characteristics of parents,

contributing to their conflicts with children, allocate a conservative way

thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and harmful

habits (drinking alcohol, etc.). Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as the result of mistakes of parents and children.

There are the following types of relationships between parents and children:

The optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

Family conflicts are not uncommon. It is difficult to imagine the life of people without contradictions and conflicts. Collision for various reasons is called conflict. Conflictogenic actions, different points of view and desires become the reason for the reckless waste of strength and energy, leading to mutual destruction. How are the consequences of conflicts in the family reflected on a person's life? They necessarily upset constructive cooperation, causing the loss of all parties to the conflict in the family. It is unlikely that they can be avoided. People do not know how to correctly identify the causes of conflicts in the family, and also cannot resolve problems peacefully. Many of us are accustomed to pouring internal garbage on other people.

Often people do not attach much importance to the big and small collisions of everyday life. Family life creates many obstacles and problems that we cannot solve on our own. The desire to avoid conflicts and at all costs to protect oneself from various collisions is considered a dangerous illusion.

Causes of conflict in the family

There are so many reasons for conflicts in the family that any family can find its “pain points” among them. Real hard to identify as a result of psychological moments. Emotions that usually accompany any conflict do not allow you to see the real reason.

According to many experts, the causes of conflicts in the family are quarrels, squabbles and scandals due to shortcomings and gaps in education, the nature and characteristics of the psyche of the spouses.

From the position of psychologists, the lion's share of conflicts appears in addition to the desire of the participants. This happens because of the peculiarities of our psyche, about which we know little. The types of temperaments that affect the character of people distinguish us from each other and sometimes become the causes of conflict relations in the family.

Conflicts in the family and features of temperament

Temperament influences a person's behavior, manifests itself in his actions and deeds. The combination of different types of temperament in spouses can cause constant conflicts in the family.

The nervous system of a choleric person can be characterized as strong, but not balanced. In him, strong excitation prevails over weakened inhibition. He quickly gets into any new business, actively works while he is interested. But he does not like to do the same work. Easily and quickly switches from one task to another. But if he is passionate, he will not stop until he completes the work he has begun. He is distinguished by the stability of aspirations and interests. Choleric is very resourceful and inventive, receptive to everything unusual, easily learns everything new. This is an intriguing person. Reacts to an insignificant obstacle with violent emotions. If a difficulty or problem arises, he will fight until he solves it. He is quick-tempered, starts, as they say, with a half turn. Due to weak braking, he cannot quickly calm down. Moves and acts swiftly and energetically, has a lively facial expression, speaks quickly.

The causes of conflicts in the family of a choleric person can be his temper, lack of restraint, lack of self-control, inability to adapt to others, including those close to him. Any action or careless remark can cause an outburst of irritation, disobedience - anger.

The mood of a choleric person changes quite often, an outbreak or just a violent emotional reaction can occur over a trifling matter. If someone tries to make a sharp remark to him, point out his mistakes or disagree with his opinion, he begins to argue, prove his case, or even scandal. A person with a pronounced choleric temperament is a real punishment for the family. He seeks to keep everything and everyone under control, to be in sight. But after quarrels and scandals, he cannot calm down for a long time; endlessly will scroll the circumstances of the conflict in my head. During a flash of irritation, you do not need to sort things out with him, make comments, and so on. It's like throwing dry wood on a fire. It is difficult with him in the family, but the spouse (wife) of a calm (phlegmatic) type of nervous system gets along well with him.

The nervous system of a phlegmatic, on the one hand, is distinguished by endurance and poise. On the other hand, inhibition and excitation unfold slowly. He looks calm and unhurried; it is difficult to get used to a new environment and new people; he does not like sudden changes in life, he hardly rebuilds his skills and habits. The phlegmatic person plans his life, and unexpected changes in his plans upset him, unsettle him. Outwardly, emotions are little manifested. Facial expressions are not expressive. It is difficult to make him laugh, anger or sadden. Remains calm in stressful situations. It starts slowly, but is very efficient. Can patiently carry out monotonous work, diligently and meticulously bringing it to the end. Talks and moves slowly. The phlegmatic is hard to adapt to the new environment. Lives in his inner world. With difficulty converges with new people, but he is constant in his relations with them. There are not many friends, but they are old proven friends. It is comfortable for him to be with his family, in a well-known environment. He himself never starts conflicts, in any situation he is calm and restrained.

The causes of conflicts in the family are associated with the inability of the phlegmatic to clearly show their feelings to events that happen in the family. When doing any work, it cannot be customized: endless “faster” will piss him off. Long-repeated stimuli can cause a flash of great power.

In the family, he is a loving and faithful companion of life. You can rely on him in any situation; thanks to strong nerves, he performs well in crisis situations.

This is a strong and hardy type of nervous system. The processes of inhibition and excitation are characterized by balance and mobility. He easily adapts to new life situations. If necessary, he quickly changes his habits, skills and abilities. He very quickly gets involved in a new job. If the work that he does is interesting to him, then he is very active and productive, able to work for a long time without getting tired, and energetically takes on every new business.

Sanguine is sociable, feels great among strangers. He has many friends, but he has an easy attitude towards friendship. Being an enthusiastic person, he is very amorous, enjoys the attention of others, is reputed to be the soul of any company.

Vividly responds to everything that attracts his attention. He has a lively facial expression and expressive fast movements. His face is like an open book; everything that he thinks and how he relates to what is happening around him is written on it. Able to focus quickly. Differs in the increased activity. Sanguine owns his feelings well and controls their manifestations. Emotions, interests and aspirations are very changeable. Has a flexible mind. Lives impressions from the present, thinks little about the future and the past.

But his behavior is often the cause of conflicts in the family due to his excessive sociability. In a dispute, he hears and listens only to himself, he does not pay attention to the arguments of his loved ones. Not the most faithful companion in family life, too amorous. An easy attitude to life, the amorousness of a sanguine person often leads to conflicts over or. It is difficult to demand fidelity from a sanguine person. Conflict can also arise because of a seemingly frivolous attitude to other people's problems.

It has a sensitive, but short-lived nervous system. The processes of inhibition and excitation are weakly expressed. This is a very impressionable and deeply feeling person. A small occasion can move him. Kind and vulnerable, gentle in communication and the most peaceful, he can be a devoted friend and the most faithful life partner. Features of the activity of his nervous system are rarely the causes of family conflicts. But he can hardly endure psychotraumatic factors: any changes in life, difficult conditions and stresses, family crises, problems with people close to him. His shyness and increased resentment, fear of communication, inability to endure stressful situations can irritate people close to him. The consequences of conflicts in the family are detrimental to him: he experiences grievances and injustice for a long time. But he is energetic and active where he feels safe, loved and useful.

Temperaments and conflicts in the family

It is unacceptable to believe that temperament types are divided into good and bad. People with clearly defined types of temperament are extremely rare, and over the course of their lives their temperaments can change. In addition, each person has signs of several temperaments, with one prevailing. But understanding the properties of temperament makes it possible to deal with the behavior of a partner in the family and find the right manner with him. Having information about the type of temperament, it is possible to predict the specifics of relationships, correct the behavior of spouses in family conflicts.

So, if both partners have a phlegmatic temperament type, then their life can be stable and without much shock. Divorces rarely occur in such unions. In these couples, there is almost no conflict. But even in their relations there are conflicts that manifest themselves implicitly and often turn into so-called "cold wars". Therefore, they should avoid lengthy omissions and sort things out in a timely manner.

If both spouses have a choleric temperament, then an increase in the number of conflicts in the family is possible. If one of the partners is choleric and the other is phlegmatic, then the incontinence and ardor of one may collide with the restraint of the other. In this case, the choleric calms down, and the quarrel does not begin. Although in a certain situation he can flare up again and scream, as the choleric person can be pissed off by the phlegmatic's endurance.

If both partners have a melancholic temperament, then in this case they will be very worried about the events taking place around. If in marriage one of the partners is melancholic, and the other, for example, is choleric or sanguine, then their rude or careless expressions can greatly hurt the melancholic, leading to mutual misunderstanding, and then to a cooling of feelings. You should be very careful with your partner and not hurt him with words spoken in a fit of anger.

If two spouses are choleric or one is sanguine, and the second is choleric, then any conflict situation leads to an instant outbreak. The reason may be very simple.

Usually they (choleric and sanguine) want to be the center of attention, strong impulsiveness does not allow them to regulate their behavior. However, such people quickly cool down. The brighter the fire burns, the faster the fire burns out. They can't stay angry for long and cool down quickly. But provoking them into conflict is very dangerous. In a fit of their own anger, they can commit immoral acts, are able to offend and even hit. The most common domestic murders are committed by such people. Cholerics can come together almost in hand-to-hand combat, but soon make up quickly.

All people are different. In addition to temperament, we all have different psychotypes of character. But dissimilarity may not interfere with relationships if there is love, intimacy and mutual understanding.

Consequences of conflicts in the family

Every conflict in the family has its consequences. Most often they are negative. Why? Family members are emotionally connected to each other, and the expectations of understanding, acceptance and support from them are different than from strangers.

The severity of the consequences of family conflicts depends on many factors: the nature, form, method of resolution and behavior of the participants. Yes, there are conflicts that help to reveal the “pain points” of relationships, to understand each other. They change spouses, ignite fading feelings, define those boundaries beyond which one should not go. People have an understanding that the conflict is not a tragedy, but only an episode in life that can and should be overcome. This is constructive problem solving.

But there are so-called destructive (destructive) conflicts. A series of such conflicts leads to a violation of family relations and to the complete alienation of everyone in the family.

The most important consequence of family conflicts is their adverse effect on the mental and physical health of family members.

Each conflict is accompanied by emotional experiences. There is resentment, because the dearest person does not understand or does not want to understand, offends. Resentment leaves a deep scar in the soul and is remembered for a long time. One offense, another, then another… Anger, anger, aggression and constant anxiety appear. It is caused by the expectation of another conflict in the family. Dissatisfaction with oneself, surrounding people in the family and at work. And there close to. Negative emotions are known to have a devastating effect on a person's physical health.

As a result of destructive conflicts, communication between spouses is disrupted, a deep abyss gradually appears that separates them. The very existence of the family loses its meaning.

The consequence of conflicts in the family can be a divorce, which entails new trials for the spouses. A vicious circle arises: some negative emotions lead to our non-constructive actions, as a result of which new problems and new completely unpleasant experiences and new difficulties appear. There are feelings of helplessness, insecurity in life.

So man is extremely complex. Character and temperament are closely intertwined in it. With good interpersonal relationships in the family, the spouses show positive character traits and the best features of temperament. And he (temperament) helps people to be together, live and love. But the more conflicts in the family, the more people's feelings are controlled by the weak sides of temperament, which reinforce the negative sides of character. Here is another vicious circle. And this also manifests the consequences of conflicts in the family.

Temperament is like an artist's canvas, on which bright strokes of character paint a picture of life.

Reading time: 4 min

Family conflicts are a fairly common phenomenon today. Conflict can be considered an ordinary feature of social institutions, it is inevitable and unavoidable. That is why the conflict should be considered as a natural fragment of family life. It should be taken as one of the manifestations of natural human interaction, since not in all situations it can have a destructive effect on a couple. In a number of cases, conflicts, on the contrary, are one of the core processes that serve to preserve the whole.

The main value of conflicts is considered to be that they work to prevent the ossification of the system, open the way to new formations and progress in relationships. Conflict is a kind of stimulus that leads to transformations; it is a challenge that requires a creative response.

Causes of conflict in the family

Many people who get married quite often do not realize that family relationships are not only cohabitation and the birth of children, but also the ability, desire to take care and understand each other, to give happiness.

So, for what reasons does a psychological conflict arise in a family? A conflict situation is a clash of opposing and sometimes hostile needs, positions, views, opinions, interests. There are several common typical causes that provoke conflict situations in almost any family. These include:

• completely different views on life together;

• unmet needs;

• adultery;

• drunkenness of one of the partners;

• lack of respect of partners for each other;

• non-participation in the life and upbringing of children;

• selfishness of spouses;

• excessive jealousy, etc.

The listed reasons for the emergence of conflict situations in family life are by no means all the possible reasons that can cause quarrels between partners. Most often, in the joint life of the weak and strong half of humanity, conflict situations cause several causes at the same time. Therefore, all conflicts should be divided into two types, each of which depends on the method by which they are resolved.

The first type is creative, which consists in a certain level of tolerance towards each other, endurance, rejection of humiliation and insults. Creative conflicts include the search for the causes of the emergence of conflict situations, mutual readiness and the ability to conduct a dialogue, an effort to modify existing relationships. The result of creative conflicts will be well-established friendly relations between partners. The main result of such conflicts is a constructive dialogue. To such communication, one can rightfully apply the saying that truth is born in a dispute.

The destructive psychological conflict in the family is countless insults, humiliation by spouses of each other, the desire to offend a partner, teach a lesson or blame him. The result of such conflicts is the loss of mutual respect. And communication between them is transformed into a duty, duty, and most often unpleasant, burdensome, which leads to the breakup of the family.

It should be noted that most conflicts of a destructive nature arise as a result of incorrect female behavior. Women much more often than men seek to do them out of spite, try to take revenge on their partners and teach them a lesson. This is due to the high emotionality and sensitivity of the weak half of humanity. And also with the well-established role of women in family life today, which has long ceased to satisfy women's needs, ambitions and aspirations.

Therefore, the following main causes of the emergence of conflicts in the family can be distinguished:

• the aspiration of one or both partners to realize in marriage, first of all, their own, personal needs;

• unsatisfied need for self-realization and self-affirmation;

• the inability of partners to constructively communicate with each other, with friends, relatives, comrades, acquaintances and work colleagues;

• exorbitantly developed material aspirations of one of the spouses or both at the same time;

• the unwillingness of one of the partners to participate in family life, housekeeping;

• overestimated self-esteem of one of the partners;

discrepancy between the methods of education or views on the education of one of the partners;

• the lack of desire of one of the partners to raise children;

• differences in the opinions of spouses about the essence of the roles of wife, mother, husband, father, head of the family;

• disagreement about the role of a woman or a man in family life;

• unreasonable and empty expectations;

• misunderstanding, the consequence of which is the unwillingness to conduct a joint dialogue or constructively interact with each other;

• different for partners;

• inability or unwillingness to take into account the types of temperament;

• intimate neglect, excessive or betrayal of one of the spouses;

• material trouble or household disorder;

• differences in spiritual, moral and value orientations;

• bad habits and their consequences.

There are also private reasons associated with the characteristics of a particular family.

Conflicts in a young family

In order to minimize the likelihood of the emergence of conflicts in newly formed families of a destructive nature and to answer the question "how to avoid conflicts in the family", both partners must have a proper level of motivational, moral, social, psychological and pedagogical readiness.

Moral and social readiness is a civic maturity. The criteria for civic maturity are age, education, the presence of a profession, the level of morality, health and economic independence. From the point of view of medicine, the most favorable age for marriage is considered to be 20-22 years for the female part of the population and 23-28 for the male, since the male body reaches full maturity later than the female.

Also, an important point that helps the successful adaptation of spouses in marriage is the ratio of their ages. The fragility of family relations, in the vast majority, is observed in families where the woman is older than the man. The strength of marriage depends on the difference in the ages of the partners. The older the people entering into a marriage union, the more years the man must be older than the woman. In this case, the maximum difference in the age of partners should not exceed 12 years.

The level of morality of young individuals is one of the most important factors in their readiness to marry and create a family. Developed morality is manifested in the awareness of the spouses of the social significance of the family, the thoughtful choice of the chosen one, a serious attitude towards marriage, a sense of responsibility for the family, full respect for the future spouse, his relatives, responsiveness, communication with them.

The readiness and well-being of family relations has a considerable dependence on the state of health of individuals entering into marriage. A healthy lifestyle contributes to the development of spirituality and moral culture of the individual, strengthening intra-family relationships, maintaining friendly and respectful relations with the surrounding society, and also helps the individual to cope with psycho-emotional difficulties much easier and resist stressful situations that often arise in family life.

Numerous studies have shown that the criterion of housing security and material well-being does not directly affect the stability of the family. However, poor housing and material conditions can often exacerbate conflict situations that arise from other causes. Motivational readiness combines love as the main motive for creating a family, a sense of responsibility for the family, readiness for independence, the birth and upbringing of children, the formation of self-sufficient personalities from them.

Psychological readiness consists in the presence of developed communication skills, unity of positions or similarity of views on social and family life, the ability to create a morally and psychologically healthy climate in relationships, constancy of character and feelings, formed strong-willed personal qualities. The future spouses, for the most part, depend on the family atmosphere in which the future spouses were born and brought up, how the fate of the young family will develop in the future, whether it will break up or not.

Pedagogical readiness includes pedagogical literacy, intimate education, household and economic skills. Pedagogical literacy of individuals entering into marriage presupposes knowledge of the patterns of formation of children and methods of their upbringing, skills of caring for babies. Household and economic skills imply the ability to plan and distribute the family budget, organize leisure, create comfort, establish a life.

Sexual education consists in acquiring the necessary knowledge about sexual relations between partners and the intimate aspects of an individual's life, about how to save one's love.

Prevention of conflicts in the family includes a certain preparation of individuals for living together.

There are practically no families without conflicts, especially young ones. After all, a person is in a stable conflict even with himself. Conflict situations in family relationships can be completely different. They occur between spouses, children, and generational conflicts in the family are also not uncommon.

Conflicts between children in the family

Conflict situations that arise in a family between children are a fairly common phenomenon. Almost all families face such a problem after the appearance of a second baby. Children are in conflict with older or younger brothers and sisters in order to try to defend their own position and attract the attention of adults and win them over to their side.

As a rule, parents always intervene in conflicts between children, trying to reconcile them. However, often this only makes the situation worse. Parents think that they have solved the problem, but in fact, children simply stop quarreling in their presence. This happens because the true cause of the conflicts has not been found, as a result of which it is not possible to resolve the conflict.

Frequent causes of children's conflicts are the struggle for leadership among other children, position in the family, and also for the attention of adults. Quarrels between children in the family serve as the so-called indicator of family relations. If they happen often, then not everything is good in family relationships. Moreover, the dysfunction of family relationships is expressed not only in frequent quarrels between children, but also between the parents themselves. Generational conflicts in the family are also a clear indicator of dysfunctional relationships.

However, do not be upset because of the occurrence of conflict situations. After all, they are inevitable. Conflict occurs even in the happiest families. However, they pass and are resolved in different ways.

You should not try to explain the frequent children's quarrels with the characteristics of the character or hereditary kids. After all, the behavior of children, in general, is directly dependent on the specific circumstances and methods of education applied to them by their parents.

Prevention of conflicts in the family that arise between children consists in ignoring them by adults. Indeed, in most cases, the cause of children's conflicts lies in the so-called work "for the public." And if such a "public" is absent or does not react, then the conflict itself is ineffective. Therefore it doesn't make sense.

Naturally, it is quite difficult for parents to remain indifferent and not intervene when their children quarrel. Most adults are simply convinced that if they do not intervene, then children will certainly cripple each other. Therefore, they try to reconcile the warring parties, often without delving into the reasons for such hostility. Very often it is the older child who is to blame. So, the only solution to conflicts in the family that occur between children is to ignore them. If you are still afraid that children may harm each other, then take away dangerous objects from them and let them solve the problem on their own. Toddlers are only in the rarest cases able to intentionally harm each other, because this is not their goal. They just want to attract the attention of adults, involving them in their own quarrels.

Resolution of conflicts in the family

The constructiveness of resolving conflicts between spouses is directly dependent, first of all, on whether understanding reigns between them, whether they are guided in their life together by behavior that is based on the ability to forgive and yield.

The main condition for a constructive conclusion of the controversial dialogue is under no circumstances to achieve victory over each other. After all, victory is unlikely to be considered a personal achievement if it is obtained at the expense of defeat or resentment of a loved one. In any conflict, you need to remember that the partner is worthy of respect.

How to avoid conflicts in the family between spouses? You need to understand that conflicts are the same inseparable part of family life as communication, everyday life, leisure, etc. Therefore, conflict situations should not be avoided, but should be resolved constructively. In the event of quarrels, one should adhere to a constructive dialogue using reasoned facts, while not using categoricalness, claims, generalizations and maximalism. It is not necessary to involve strangers or family members in conflicts if they do not directly concern them. It should be understood that a favorable climate in the family depends only on the behavior, goals and desires of the spouses, and not on other individuals. Outsiders may be more likely to be the catalyst or detonator of a disruptive conflict than a helping mechanism.

The resolution of conflicts in the family occurs in various ways, which lead both to the establishment of relations and to their destruction. One of the ways to resolve conflicts that leads to the breakup of a family is. According to many psychologists, divorce is preceded by a process that includes three stages. The first stage is an emotional divorce, which manifests itself in cooling, indifference of partners to each other, loss of trust and loss of love. The next stage is the physical divorce, which leads to separation. The final stage is considered a legal divorce, which implies the legal registration of the termination of marriage.

Many couples are so tired of endless quarrels and conflicts that they see the only solution to the problem - divorce. For some, it really is a deliverance from hostility, hostility, enmity, deceit and other negative aspects that darken life. However, it also has its own negative consequences, which will be different for society, the divorcees themselves and their children.

A woman is considered more vulnerable in a divorce, as she is much more prone to neuropsychiatric disorders. For children, the negative consequences of divorce will be much more significant in comparison with the consequences for adults. After all, the child thinks that he is losing one of his parents or blames himself for the divorce.

Ways to resolve conflicts in the family

A prosperous family differs from others by the presence of a sense of joy, happiness of today and tomorrow. In order to maintain such a feeling, partners should leave bad mood, problems and troubles outside their home, and bring home only an atmosphere of elation, happiness, joy and optimism.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and their prevention lies in the mutual assistance of the spouses and the acceptance of the other person as he is in reality. If one partner is in a bad mood, then the second one needs to help him get rid of the depressed mental state, try to cheer him up and occupy his thoughts with something pleasant.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and preventing the occurrence of many mistakes depends on the observance of several basic principles of marital life together. We must try to look realistically at the contradictions that arise before marriage, and the differences of opinion that appear after marriage. Do not create illusions so as not to be disappointed in the future, because the present is unlikely to meet the norms and criteria you have planned. Take difficulties for good, as overcoming them together only unites people. Overcoming difficult situations in life by both spouses together is a great opportunity to find out how much a partner is ready to live, guided by the principle of bilateral compromise.

Do not miss the opportunity to know the psychology of your spouse. Indeed, in order to live together in love and harmony, it is necessary to understand each other, learn to adapt, and also try to please each other.

Appreciate the little things. After all, minor, but frequent surprises, signs of attention are no less valuable and important than expensive gifts that can hide indifference, coldness and infidelity.

Learn to forgive and forget insults, be more tolerant of each other. After all, everyone is ashamed of some of his own mistakes and it is unpleasant for him to remember them. Why remember what once already violated your relationship and what should have been forgotten as soon as possible if you decided to forgive the person.

Do not impose your own requirements, try at all costs to protect the dignity of your partner.

Appreciate the short break. From time to time, partners annoy each other, because even the most delicious food will become boring over time. Separation allows you to miss and helps to understand how strong the love between spouses is.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"