If there are several in the family. Children in the family - one or three? Number of children in the family

If there are several children in the family, it is necessary to take into account the peculiarity of the situation of each. It is usually believed that if there are several children in a family, then such a family has educational advantages compared to a family where there is one child. It would not be worth objecting to this if some parents did not believe that these advantages are formed by themselves, and did not lose sight of the fact that there are also difficulties of their own, "underwater reefs" that must be skillfully bypassed.

Let's start with the possible benefits. Older children, without suspecting it, take on some of the educational responsibilities of adults and sometimes perform them even more successfully than dads and moms. Younger children, as it were, are drawn to the older ones - and, as a rule, they begin to speak, read, and count earlier. Older children turn out to be a guide for them, a model that they are able to follow. No wonder they say, albeit jokingly: the parents themselves bring up the older children, and the older children bring up the younger ones.

Older and younger children spend a lot of time together - walking, reading, watching TV. Children develop the habit of sharing with each other, sympathizing with sisters and brothers. But all this - only in cases where parents are not mistaken in their attitude towards children. Here are some common mistakes

The eldest is sometimes deprived of parental affection - after all, he is "already big." But the younger one is "still small" - there are fewer requirements for him, and more attention.

What is the result? The younger one will quickly feel the privilege of his position and will not be slow to take advantage of it. Spoiled children are most often the youngest in the family, and they become "tyrants" not only in relation to their parents, but also in relation to older sisters and brothers.

This situation does not go unnoticed for the elder either - we are not talking about the direct disadvantages of his position. But it happens that everything turns out to be deeper - the elder has a grudge against his parents, alienation, and he begins to experience unkind envy towards the younger.

Therefore, it is important to weaken guardianship over the younger in time, to demand from him more and more independence, activity. And if you find special forms of care for the younger, then the elder should see that they are also taking special care of him, but in a different way.

Of course, the opposite picture is also possible - the elder is always the leader, all the best for him, and the needs and interests of the younger ones are ignored - figuratively speaking, they wear out the clothes of the elder. Can't say it was fair. In general, the sense of justice should never leave the parents. To have a "favorite" among children (or at least give a reason to think that there is one) is completely unacceptable. From this direct harm to the "darling", and his sisters and brothers, and the parents themselves.

Since ancient times, people have noticed: the life strategies and character of a person are directly related to the serial number of his birth. This is confirmed by the studies of psychologists and sociologists who consider the family as a system with its own clear laws and structure. However, parents can afford to raise a child as a harmonious and happy personality, regardless of whether he is the only one in the family or not, the eldest, middle or youngest. You just need to pay attention to certain winning moments and pitfalls of life scenarios.

The only child in the family: the pros and cons

“All mine” - this is how you can characterize the position of the only child in the family. And that's all the pluses and minuses. The only child does not need to share parental attention, love, care and other moral and material resources with anyone - this is an advantage. But disadvantages also follow from it: the desire to take a leadership position a priori, and not achieve this in competition, poor ability to work in a team and correlate one's desires and goals with the needs and capabilities of other people. To teach a child all this, parents need to clearly build boundaries in the family, teach the child to observe the emotions and actions of others.

And the main danger for an only child is that, in addition to all kinds of benefits, he gets all the hopes and aspirations of his parents, because there are no other children. This means that there is a great danger of being buried under the weight of the unfulfilled and unincarnated. “I didn’t succeed, let him have it” is a parental strategy that takes the child very far from his own “I”.

To save a growing child from an unbearable burden, allow yourself to make your dreams come true on your own - because in this way you will also become for him a wonderful model of a person who knows how to set goals and achieve them with his own work, overcoming mistakes, fears and failures.

If the only child has grown up and longs for independence and separation, do not cling to him. Do you feel the huge unspent potential of parental love in yourself? There are many disadvantaged children around, and by helping them, you will teach your child to be merciful and considerate.

Raising two children in a family

When there are two children, this is already a team. The parent is the coach. Sometimes - "playing", that is, passing through everything on an equal footing with the wards. Sometimes - trying to fit the position of "great and infallible" guru.

But much more important is what kind of relationship between children he cultivates. If it is “we are different, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and it’s great that we are together”, no matter how many quarrels, fights and conflicts there are in the first years of life, children will grow up and live with the feeling that there is a loved one in the world and a native person on whom you can rely.

But if the “coach” welcomes constant competition and the need to prove one’s superiority, the child, and having matured, will see in those around him exclusively enemies with whom he must either fight or obey them, admitting his own defeat.

In such a scenario, the younger child often turns into a “jumper to an unattainable height”, because the older one is always stronger, more dexterous, skillful, experienced - it is almost impossible to catch up and overtake him. And the elder, feeling his superiority and authority, tries so hard to help the younger that he often forgets about his own interests.

If twins are growing up in your family, try to provide everyone with a comfortable degree of individualization (different clothes, hairstyles, hobbies). In the case of the weather, it is important to provide everyone with games and activities according to age: do not “average” them, otherwise the older one may slow down in development, and the younger one may skip something important. If the age difference between children is more than 12 years, each of them will develop according to the scenario of an only child.

Raising children in a large family

The more children in the family, the more varied their roles can be - this is a huge plus. But it is “reset to zero” if the scenario of interaction is rigidly fixed: everyone has a clearly defined place, which he cannot change, no matter how hard he tries. In this case, growing up, a person lives all his life in the “cage” of family prescriptions or will fight them all the time, not being able to find his own niche and strength. “Responsible for everyone”, “Eternal middle peasant”, “Cute little kid”, “Third extra”, “Two against one” - this is how you can designate the most common scenarios for large families.

Before the birth of another baby, parents should at least figure out how this system functions in their family and what “role niches” remain unoccupied. The easiest way is to draw a family tree, indicating on it not only children, but also all grandmothers, cousins, etc. And think about what fairy-tale character each of those indicated in the figure looks like: who is the Hero, who is the Favorite, who is the Princess, and who is the Dragon ...

Keep in mind that in a large family, the last, youngest child, as a rule, is in a special position, and often the middle child is in the most disadvantageous position. With the younger one, they usually rush so much, they are so touched by his pranks and awkwardness, that he simply has neither the desire nor the need to grow up. But the “middle peasants” get little attention: parents are too busy with the success of their older children and taking care of the little ones. To neutralize these "threats", encourage the youngest family member to be independent, and listen very carefully to the middle one, especially in cases where he clearly sacrifices his interests in favor of other children.

A significant event will happen in your family soon, will another child appear? Or do you already have several kids? Then you, of course, are concerned about the problem of the coexistence of several children. Someone is just thinking about it, but someone has already faced the problem of jealousy between children.

There are many opinions about what age difference is favorable for children. Experts agree that the least traumatic difference is from 3 to 5 years and more than 7 years. When the difference is small (from a year to 3 years) - the older child has not yet had time to “get enough” of the attention and love of his parents, he is still too attached to his mother, needs her constant presence. Therefore, the second child is inevitably perceived as a rival. The difference of 3-5 years coincides with the stage of growing up, when the baby likes to do everything himself, he proves in every possible way his independence from his parents (from his mother - in the first place). Although this desire for independence is combined with the need for support, understanding from parents, it can be used "for peaceful purposes". Also at this age, the baby often has a need for someone to take care of. Often it is during this period that children ask to “get” a pet or brother, sister. If the age difference is 6-7 years, this is also traumatic for the elder, because he is already used to the role of the “center of the universe” and is not yet ready to share parental love with someone else. After 7 years, the child switches his attention to communication with peers, to study, family relationships go by the wayside, so he perceives the appearance of a new family member more calmly.

We have touched on favorable and unfavorable age differences between children. But even if the older child has a “favorable” age, this does not mean that he adapts without problems to the appearance of a second baby. The well-being of all children in the family depends only on the parents. But in any case, the eldest child, the firstborn, is the suffering side. There is even the term "detronation" of a child. Most often, the first-born is really overthrown from the pedestal. And this bitterness of the “overthrown” can burn him all his life. The child is forced to become a fighter (for love, attention, for praise, etc.). It has been proven that older children either “break down”, becoming notorious, faceless people, or become leaders, achieve great success in life, they develop strong, tough character traits. Often they fight with themselves, with their insecurity, inferiority complex, stiffness. Younger children often become weak-willed and lazy because of the caress and desire of their parents to protect them from life's problems. They have not learned independence, tk. the elder took on the main burden, it is easier for them to continue to live under someone's wing (mother, older sister, etc.). This happens when parents misbehave!

What to do so that children grow up full-fledged people, love and respect each other?

· Try not to change the traditions adopted in the family and concerning the older child (a walk to the park on a day off, visiting a section, visiting, etc.).

· Prepare your child in advance for the arrival of a brother/sister. And make it as if the baby will appear precisely at the request of the elder.

· Even before the birth of the youngest, tell the elder about babies, how to care for them, how they eat. It's good if he sees it in another family.

Remember and tell how the "eldest" was in his mother's tummy, how he was a baby, how he grew and changed. View photos and videos together.

· Try to make the necessary, but not very pleasant changes in the life of the first child before the birth of the second (the beginning of attending a kindergarten, vaccinations, etc.).

· In no case do not change the type of upbringing of the child (a sharp increase in requirements for the child, the introduction of new responsibilities ...).

· Do everything so that the older child does not feel unnecessary and rejected. Involve him (optionally) in caring for the baby, set aside time for joint games, reading, conversations (while the younger one is sleeping, you can play with the older one).

· Do not admire and do not admire the baby in the presence of the elder.

· Never compare children to each other! Remember that no two children are alike, they are all individual and unique.

· Do not blame yourself for the appearance of a "rival".

· Support the elder's aspirations to help care for and even act as a "third" parent.

· Notice and extinguish the emerging jealousy (if mom feeds the baby, dad can play with the elder, for example).

· Give the elder the opportunity to choose a name, clothes, toys for the little one.

· Always remember that the first-born is the suffering side, therefore the manifestation of jealousy, discontent is inevitable, it is in your power to recognize them in time and help the child.

· Do not deprive the child of attention, referring to the lack of time due to the baby, do not turn your life into continuous care for the youngest.

· Take the eccentricities of the child calmly and without criticism (“You are already big, why do you need a nipple”). Go on about, fulfill his requests, perhaps by trying to lie swaddled or drink from a bottle, the child will lose interest in them.

· Remember that with his inadequate, sometimes defiant behavior, the child is trying to distract you from the baby, to draw your attention to him. So pay attention to him!

· Play all role-playing games that the child offers, thus. You help him cope with an unusual, new situation.

Do not be offended if the child refuses to help, becomes aggressive - this is a defensive reaction.

· Sow the seeds of love between children, do not make one child in the "service" of another, let them be equal in rights and duties (the rest is optional).

If children quarrel, indulge - never punish one person - both are to blame. Let them figure it out themselves. Can not? So, scold, punish both. This is fairer than the undeserved punishment of one person (“because you are the elder”).

· The same rule applies to praise. When you praise one, be sure to find something good in the other.

· Let the elder feel like a protector (but not a nanny), and the younger feel protected (but not a doll).

· When educating, take into account the individual characteristics, character of children. If one goes to dances, this activity may not be suitable for another, he may want to play sports. If one learned to read early, this does not mean that the second is obliged to keep up.

· Some mothers, after the birth of a baby, send the older child to live with relatives for a while (to the grandmother, for example), believing that there the child will receive the attention and love he needs, and it will be easier for them (mothers). Do not do that! Thus, from the very beginning, you generate jealousy and competition between children! Perhaps at first it will be easier for you, but when the older child returns home, problems will surface, his reaction may be very violent, or, conversely, he will close. This leads to neuroticization of the child with all the consequences (anxiety, neurosis, aggressiveness, alienation).

· "You're already big!" - do not get carried away with this phrase. The older one automatically becomes "big", even if he has not yet turned 3 years old. Often parents forget that he, in fact, is very small and really needs affection and tenderness. Recalling endlessly about his seniority, one can inadvertently convince that he is not loved; love only the youngest. Why does he always have to give in, give away the best toys, clean up for two and pay for common misdeeds? Are you not afraid that your half-abandoned "big" will hate the little baby adored by everyone?

The question may arise: why am I describing and discussing a situation where there are two children in a family? Because in families with more than two children, the problem of jealousy is rare, because. all children (sometimes with the exception of the oldest) are in the same conditions. Duties and love of parents are distributed evenly. Unless, of course, parents lead the right line of education, without belittling the dignity of all children.

The problem of fertility is raised by our government constantly. They are trying to solve it with adoption of various laws that encourage the birth of children, various social programs, but despite this, the birth rate is inexorably falling. Although at the moment it is not very noticeable, but time goes on. What is the main reason? How many children should be in a family? Let's try to find answers to these questions.

The large family what kind of family is this? If there are 1-2 children in a family, this is considered few children, a large family is when there are 4-5 or more children in a family. But today, when a family gives birth to a third child, usually relatives and friends begin to twist at the temple and say why, but it is necessary, because life is already very difficult. Scientists say that a family with few children is usually selfish, selfish people cannot be happy.

If you spend even a small survey of married couples, why they do not have children or have only one, then this will be a standard answer, they do not have their own living space, a small salary, they are not sure about the future, in addition, one of the common reasons for a woman's career. An interesting fact, but in the past in Soviet times, it was also not very good with housing, not high salaries, but maybe there was at least some stability, people were sure that everything would be fine tomorrow - at that time the birth rate was high. Today's youth wants to give full love and good conditions.

Buy a computer, mobile phone, good toys so that the baby has everything, so that he is no worse than his peers. Previously, of course, the possibilities of parents were limited, and the requests of children were moderate. In addition, another reason why a married couple does not want to give birth to a second, third, because. they believe that it will be possible to devote all the time they have to one child, devote their lives only to him, he will have all the love of his parents, he will not have jealousy for his brothers and sisters. But everything seems to be logical, but this point of view has a downside.

The only one with whom he communicates constantly child, these are his parents, i.e. Adults. It is very difficult for such children to get acquainted with other children, and in the game they are less active and more trusting, because in games with adults they avoid the aggression they encounter in games with their peers. The advantage of an only child is that he is much better intellectually developed, he has a broad outlook - after all, all the attention is paid only to him. But there is a minus to this plus, the child finds it difficult to find contact with peers and, as a result, there are problems in communication, friendship, the child can be in constant loneliness.

The only child in the family usually used to being a leader, because he is the only one in the family, everyone listens to him, getting into the group of children, they want to become a leader there, not more often they fail to do all this. The only child in the family must justify all the hopes of his parents, often they give them to several circles at once, each parent wants to realize his dream in a child, and there is only one child, but there are a lot of desires. When a child cannot cope with this at all and realizes that he does not live up to his expectations, they often resort to suicide. A child who is alone in the family most often achieves good success in his career, he is successful in his professional activities, but suffers in interpersonal relationships. It is more difficult for him to find a family, and he always feels lonely in his family, that same lonely child lives in him. Such marriages often break up, due to the fact that in the family such adults want to be leaders and do not compromise, but if the spouse is stubborn, then such marriages quickly break up due to the fact that the husband and wife cannot find a common language in family.

If in family with several children, then many problems are erased, due to the fact that attention is paid to several at once, they do not strive to be leaders, they learn to communicate in the family, such children are free in their choice, tk. they are under less care. As for careers, older children are more successful in it than later ones. they are more independent, subsequent children are more successful in communication and in their personal lives. As a result of the survey, the following results were obtained, 45% of the parents surveyed said that the appearance of a baby in the family had a positive impact, the appearance of a second baby had a positive effect on the family in 75% of the respondents, but the appearance of a third child was only 54%.

To give birth second and subsequent child parents are hesitant because of the memories of sleepless nights, screaming diapers and the many difficulties that parents face in the process of education. But remember, the second child is easier than the first, and the third child is even easier than the second. By the time the third baby is born, the mother is already professional in her work. When the baby is alone in the family, the main source of communication for him is only his parents, and he always runs after them like a tail, constantly wants to be with you. And when you have two or three babies, these ponytails start running after each other and you have time for yourself and at home, they communicate with each other and are left to each other, the most important thing here is that the first baby is smart.

But we have discussed highlights associated with the birth of one or more babies. And now it is up to you to decide how many children you will have in your family, in accordance with your capabilities and wishes. If you have only one child, and you no longer plan to give birth in the distant, then there is nothing wrong with that. You understand that the character of the baby will depend only on upbringing, all those disadvantages that are described above can be "wiped away", knowing about their existence. For example, many who have one child in the family believe that they were well brought up, they are sociable in the company, easily find a common language with the rest and have good families, so all the bad things are the costs of education. If you want three children or more, then you are great, I bow to you for this. Love your kids and you will definitely succeed!

12/19/1999 5:6:59 pm, FEV I want to share how much easier life has become for me with the birth of my second child. Senior 1.10. The youngest is four months old. At first there were difficulties. At first, the elder simply trembled with jealousy.
Discussion

My daughter is 9 months old and now thoughts about a second child come into my head, isn't it too early? I just really want the weather. They say there are a lot of pluses in this, and no one has canceled the minuses))) Tell me how to do it better? Maybe wait at least a year? Or two years?
06/04/2008 16:54:08, Anna
I have two kids. Daughter 2.8 years old son 4 months. The experiences were like everyone else: that the daughter would be jealous, that there would not be enough time for her, etc. We always had close contact with her - she breastfed until she was two years old, being already well pregnant :) And she practically didn’t get off her hands ... In general, I was terribly afraid. But on the other hand, I thought: what about the second child? After all, he will not initially receive as much affection and attention as the first one receives, precisely because she was alone for these 2.4 years, and now there are two of them ...
In general, I changed my mind a lot ... :)
As soon as the tummy appeared, she began to tell her daughter that we would have a brother, that we would love him very much and he would love us too, that my daughter would help him bathe, walk, etc. Daughter was very inspired.
When the baby was born, she took it for granted. There was no jealousy (to my indescribable joy) at all. Now I don’t let him (as I once did) get away with it, but this does not cause rejection in my daughter. Maybe precisely because at one time she also received in full and continues to receive a lot of my affection and attention. :)
So, summing up: everything is not as scary as it might seem! And the only difficulty is to distribute yourself - your affection, attention, participation - among the children. It's difficult. Instead of going about my business, having put the baby to bed, I rush to my daughter - to read, play, teach ...
Honestly, sometimes you really want to do ... cleaning !!! :)
01/18/2007 11:52:06 AM, Alice
Mariana, regarding jealousy: find an approach to your child, explain everything to him, tell him that his mother will love him the same way that he is her main assistant ... Trust him and love him, or maybe with the birth of a second child, the first will change for the better side (just don’t let everything take its course, prepare the child for the appearance of a brother or sister)
I have two children - a boy 2 years 2 months and a girl 4.5 months. My son is very attached to me, he doesn’t calmly stay with anyone without me, he sucked his breast until 1 and 3 (I was already pregnant), but then I had to wean him, because. It was already painful to feed. I won’t say that I lived very much, they suffered for one night, and then “reconciled”, but then stroked my chest for a long time and said “sya”. Being pregnant, she told him about her sister, who sits in her mother's tummy, he stroked his stomach, pointed to his stomach with his finger and said "lyalya", laughed when he felt his sister's pushes. I was very worried about how he would perceive my absence when I was at the maternity hospital, how he would perceive that the newborn "lyalya" sucked my mother's breast ... But a month before the birth, she began to prepare her son for the fact that another small child would soon live with us , his sister, said that mom would go to the maternity hospital to give birth to "lyalya", and he would stay with dad, that little lyalya would suck boobs ... It seemed that he did not perceive it in any way .... But when the time came, the son behaved without a mother, it’s better than one could imagine: he didn’t act up, didn’t cry, in general, well done! And there was no jealousy, I even calmly accepted that my sister was sucking my mother's boobs. I was very happy. For all the time, he only bit the baby 2 times, and then because he decided to taste it: we said: "sweet girl", so he tried it. He takes pity on her, stroked her tummy so that it does not hurt, kisses her. In general, I agree with those women who say that life has become easier and more interesting with a second child!!! So do not be afraid, give birth to children and love them!
12/16/2006 11:55:30 PM, Nat
I have two. At first, she was also afraid that the elder would be jealous, that there would not be enough time for both, etc. So if you knew how the older one loves to help mess around with the younger one! Especially bathe with soap (washes his tummy and legs). And sometimes he asks: "Mom, can I stroke his hand (leg, head, etc.)". Sometimes, if I am busy, and the younger one is crying, SAM will come up to him, start talking to him, rattling his rattle. It remains only to be touched and rejoice.

What if there's only one?

We have a boy. He is 2 years and one month old. We really want a second child, but we are not sure which age difference between children is best. Many say that the smaller the difference, the better for children, because as they age, they develop almost the same interests, while others advise that it is better that the difference be more than 5 years. We also noticed, with age, our boy becomes more jealous when I pay more attention to other people's children. I would like to know your opinions.

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